Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

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*Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry


Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.


Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*


…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT


3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.


When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.