Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If only.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.