@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

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@shopkins776

*Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@secondofhername

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@HomeProbably

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

@DoneEffedUp

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@Ygrene

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

@imdaintyaf

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.