Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Follow me for more life hacks.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.