I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen