@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

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@NinsunG

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

@silkymilky14

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

@krautsider

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

@PaperWash

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

@UncleDuke1969

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

@deankarrier

People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.