My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Batman v Dracula
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf