girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
found my next D&D character name
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.