@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

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@DrakeGatsby

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me

@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@daemonic3

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

@NomDeBenoit

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.