My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time
me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!
You Might Also Like
David Attenborough: The hippos have patiently surrounded the unsuspecting white marbles
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*
4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.