Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no