girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I get told that I鈥檓 salty, and my mirror tells me I鈥檓 mostly fat, so I guess love me since I鈥檓 basically bacon.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 馃槶
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
You never notice pilots because they鈥檙e usually in d鈥檚kies
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won鈥檛 let her use the washroom with the door closed.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they鈥檙e from Hasbro.
don鈥檛 give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It鈥檚 on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
michael jordan鈥檚 parents really named him after a shoe
Did you know cats are called cats because they鈥檙e roughly half the size of cattle?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Tell the colonel to bring it