GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Me when someone tries to get to know me