“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.