@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

You Might Also Like

@markydoodoo

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

@JurassicPark2go

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@allyneedy

A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath

@EricGoldie

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

@Havish_AF

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.