Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm


We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called


I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.


In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.


A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath


I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.


If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.


Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.