Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
step 6: release the wall snake
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
This is my favorite one of these!
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?