Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
bias laundering edition
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
is this how new cars are made??
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.