Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.