@Reverend_Scott

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

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@hippieswordfish

when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@JennnQuinn

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@AtticusFinch79

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

@SortaBad

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

@marinarachael

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now