Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.