Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.