Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….

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I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.


Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’


GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.


date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features


Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings


If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.


Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.


I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.


Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.