Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
PLOT TWIST:
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!