@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

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@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@OllyiConic

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

@dubstep4dads

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@prodigal_bran

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@trentistweeting

ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
um…
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*

@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead