@Chumpstring: client: i’m nervous attorney: relax prosecutor: the defendant is guilty attorney: oh my god [looks at client] client: what attorney: you said you were innocent

@laurajennyjo: I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit

@ThisOneSayz: Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@_davidlucas_: What's a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

@Rlpihl: [Family Feud] What's your answer?! *whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people