Girls are a lot like oceans,


and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

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This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.


Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you


Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.


I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high


When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.


*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.