This 8 year old kid at McDonald’s just ordered coffee. I hate to think the hell of the day he is having.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*points w/ middle finger*
“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”
– Me giving directions.