Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Sounds like a bargain
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.