Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
can I use a minion as a tampon
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.