Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart