@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

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@dafloydsta

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

@meganamram

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@realHamOnWry

I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.

@Barknado69

[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right

@dubstep4dads

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@CAshmanActor

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*