@dafloydsta
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
@daniel_shaw
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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@dafloydsta
@meganamram
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
@3sunzzz
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
@fro_vo
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
@realHamOnWry
I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
@Barknado69
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
@dubstep4dads
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
@wickedsuga
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
@fillthevacuum
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
@CAshmanActor
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*