@FindusPancake
My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”
@daniel_shaw
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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@FindusPancake
@FrizerkaSandra
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
@BeeeejEsq
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
@behindyourback
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
@Turbo_Jimmy
*Wife thumps door*
“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”
NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
@Skoog
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
@JimmerThatisAll
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
@actioncookbook
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
@TEXASVETERAN
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.