GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*