@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

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@FindusPancake

My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”

@FrizerkaSandra

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@BeeeejEsq

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@Skoog

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

@JimmerThatisAll

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

@actioncookbook

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not