Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Cardio Made Easy
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.