When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
You Might Also Like
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
May have had one breakfast too many
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.