Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me sliding into hell like
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Lmfao
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)