*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
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Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.