Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.