Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now