I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“You list communication as a strength”
“Care to elaborate?”
*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing