@itsNLEChoppa

girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.

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@Reverend_Scott

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

@SpacePlankton

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

@Shanehasabeard

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

@CoolBabyRat

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing