[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–