[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it