Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.