“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.