The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax
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I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Me: say it
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.