Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]