If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I have so many questions.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.