@Mish3l_Ali

Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

@SBinLondon

Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@DanielRCarrillo

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@_lizharvey

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.