My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
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Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”
Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.