All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now