Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
found this cool rock hiking today
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
my first dose meeting my second
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed