Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.