Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?


normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.


Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”


No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.


5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
*swat team busts down my door*


My daughter was using a old ice tea bottle for her paint brushes and accidentally drank it

Did I mention she’s been on the Dean’s List for 4 years


Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.


WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.


Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.