Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me as a parent
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact