So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.
I wouldn’t say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby