@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

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@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@LlamaInaTux

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.

@Midgetspar

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby