@Ohhialypie

Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Guys: ok
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
Guys: ok

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@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@TheToddWilliams

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@CliffDuffy

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

@dru0887

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@UncleDuke1969

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

@Eden_Eats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.