I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.