GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[montage of me giving-up]
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
umm…
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”