Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
dream blunt rotation
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?