Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas