@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

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@JessicaVarsity

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@giftedrascal

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in

@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas