girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.