@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

- @StockSwaff

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@TweetPotato314

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

@AnitaHelmet

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@simoncholland

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@daryl_ei

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

@CatsVsHumanity

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

@2014longview

Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.