Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Growing out my freckles.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.