@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

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@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@BromanConsul

“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.

@ericsshadow

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

@iwearaonesie

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

@Defiant_Doll

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.

@GregHenchman

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

@ninjadinosaur1

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

@carbsley

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers