Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok


“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.


For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.


*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*


ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no


Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.


When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:



Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.


barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers