Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*