If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
You Might Also Like
I love the National Park Service.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Sing it!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*