Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

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When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.


If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.


If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.


What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.


Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.


My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.


how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets


I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.