@pleatedjeans

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

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@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.

@Terdoh

If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

@MRagaab

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

@novicefather

My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.

@drankturpentine

how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets

@HeyZeus666

I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.