Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
smartest karate player in the world
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.