[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

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Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.


This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:


[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless


People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save


I don’t know this guy, but it looks like opening day of zucchini season.


Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.


Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?


Me: Omelette you eat now


*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into


Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.