@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

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@MartaEffing

Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
Me:
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.

@pixelatedboat

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

@ch000ch

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

@mrjohndarby

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

@Jarhead44

I don’t know this guy, but it looks like opening day of zucchini season.

@Coops_Bradley

Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.