[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.