[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen