[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

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Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.


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Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.


whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.


Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.