girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m not lazy
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Need WebMD
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Finally a use for spoilers…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*