@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

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@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@_wendyb07

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

@PatsATweetin

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

@nbadag

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

@Busocco

I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.

@HeIsMaxBarth

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them