“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them