Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
This why you should mind your business
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”