@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

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@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@DaddyJew

*gets on scale*

*gets off to go poop*

*gets back on scale to see the same weight*

*looks down on poop* Pathetic

*flushes*

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@Sanbel11

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

@heymonroe

*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?