Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.
You Might Also Like
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*gets on scale*
*gets off to go poop*
*gets back on scale to see the same weight*
*looks down on poop* Pathetic
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut.
*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?